So, today is my clean date. It’s been 9 years since I came back into NA after a 6-month hiatus for “more research” on whether I am really an addict. After almost 9 years, I decided that I would rather pursue my church life instead of always trying to balance church and NA commitments, friends, etc… I was so fortunate to have only lost my sanity. Not my home, job, friends, family, and dignity, like the first time. That’s not to say that the loss of my sanity did not eventually lead to loss of job, home, and friends. All of these things changed over the course of the 6 – 12 months following my relapse and it took me several years and a lot of stepwork to realize that it was a direct result of my actions and attitude, again. As usual. Lol!
Today is kind of a big deal. I do not regret my relapse. In fact, the depth of my recovery this second time around has been so much more…substantial. I am more. More forgiving. Compassionate. Most significantly, I’ve lightened up on myself. I am not afraid. Not afraid to make mistakes. Not afraid to try something new. Not afraid to see another part of me that I might have avoided before. I see myself living another 30+ years! I was in my early 40’s before realizing that I might just make it to the 50-year mark after all.
I attribute all of this growth to the program of Narcotics Anonymous. Never alone, never again. I have come to know a power greater than myself. I have learned how to love unconditionally, even though I did not give birth to the recipients. 😉 I know that the world will keep on spinning exactly how it is supposed to even if I think it should do it a different way. I’m not a big deal. I’m as good as I can be, most days. I’m a good parent. I have the same human faults that others have, and more, but I also have extra good characteristics that some other parents do not have because they have not walked the same path.
Today, a friend in recovery that uses me as a secondary sponsor asked me why I do not judge and am so open to hearing her tell the truth about she REALLY feels when struggling with the prescription meds. A couple of weeks ago, a former sponsee that moved away called to tell me that she was so proud to be sharing the most important part of what she learned when we were working on her steps: how not to beat up on herself! I KNOW that I did not teach these things or do anything special. It was absolutely my higher power speaking through me. The only thing I will take credit for in both cases is the fact that I seek humility and open-mindedness so that I CAN be there as a go-between. I am so grateful for all of those that have come before me and paved the way to a freedom that is greater than anything I could have ever imagined!
(no preview on this one or I’ll spend the next hour re-writing!)