It has occurred to me that since I am having such a difficult time meeting my goals this summer, maybe I need to step back and try a different approach? Like, stop setting hard and fast goals. For some reason, I’m just not willing to apply myself and do the work. It’s crazy because it is to my detriment if they are not done by summers end. Maybe due to the lack of an immediate deadline? I’m so used to being under the gun to hurry and finish an assignment that the idea of having “all summer” seems like a really long time. Ironically, this is one thing I commented on throughout the year as “having learned my lesson” and know to start early on projects! This kind of thinking does not work for me. Although, I am usually not able to identify it until it’s too late. Does this mean there is still time for me to successfully complete THIS set of goals?? Maybe the fact that I’m writing about it NOW when I still have time to complete them without negative consequences, means I have actually grown in this area?!
Okay. Maybe I should wait and see if any action follows this epiphany? It took me three tries to pass algebra in college because I kept trying to cram everything in the night before the test. In retrospect, I was probably aware that I “should” be working on my assignments, but kept thinking I would catch up on them tomorrow. (Scarlett O’Hara!) I seem to be incapable of planning step-by-step for the long term. I definitely live in the “just for now” state of mind. Inevitably, I am surprised when the deadline nears and I have not done a damn thing.
Why? How am I still doing this at 51 years old? I feel like knowing what is behind this way of thinking might help me figure out a solution. ADHD? Addiction? And, my all time favorite: “Am I just lazy and not wanting to do the work?” I do not want to even consider this option since it would not justify it in my favor. Who would? Now I have to consider it, of course. Grrrr…
So, the things I am supposed to be doing:
- looking for a job
- research for a professor
- teaching myself accounting principles
- the gym
(common denominator = nothing with immediate gratification or of interest)
Things I’ve actually been doing:
- coloring in adult coloring books with titles like: “the art of not giving a fuck”
- listening to prepper fiction, political power books, and biographies
- lots of stepwork with sponsees
- home organizing (started but did not finish…looks awful)
- cooking regularly
(common denominator = rewarded with immediate gratification and all are of interest)
Well, based on the common denominator outcomes, I know this is my addiction, working away, even after all of these years… I am not doing the work because I do not LIKE the work that needs to be done. It is not fun. It is not instant payoff (read dopamine)!
This disease of addiction is fatal and fascinating. It is so bizarre how intricately insidious it works itself through the mind.
Thank you, God, for providing the answer in this brief post. I have the tools to help myself now that I am aware of what is behind the problem. Help me put them into motion.